Sara Bidawi of The British Interational School Abu Dhabi speaks to Team Yalla.
Competition between brothers and sisters is a normal part of family life but what are we to do when it goes too far?
Sara Bidawi, School Counsellor at The British International School Abu Dhabi, tells Team Yalla how parents and siblings can better manage conflicts.
Please define sibling rivalry
It is conflict that occurs between siblings and can range from minor taunting and teasing to full out bullying and physical aggression. It’s normal and wherever there are siblings, there’s going to be elements of sibling rivalry.
What are the causes?
There’s a multitude of reasons for sibling rivalry. In my experience, it boils down to two major causes; differential treatment by parents and fighting over property, which seems to be common in all ages among siblings. It could be fighting over a parent’s attention, to see who’s the best in the eyes of the parents. Obviously, siblings are individuals and parents treat each child differently due to the different ages of the siblings, their individual temperaments or other factors such as an illness for example. Some parents will readily admit that a particular child is easier to get along with, or the child listens to what they say. Children will pick up on this and will do whatever it takes to take the spotlight off their sibling.
How is sibling rivalry different within different age groups?
Fighting over property is consistent across all age groups, but within the younger age group, we find that they are competing more for their parents’ attention than older siblings do. For older children, this is not their priority; it’s more about dominance, control and respecting privacy, and so on.
What role do parents play in dealing with sibling rivalry?
Parents need to identify what is normal behaviour. Once it’s been established that siblings are fighting way more than they should be, parents then need to look at two things. Firstly, are there factors that are contributing to the differential treatment of siblings. Perhaps one child needs more academic support, which translates into a parent giving more time to that child. Sometimes, it’s just an age factor. Parents also need support with conflict resolution skills, which is key to how siblings get along. The first step to conflict resolution is approaching the situation calmly so you are not approaching an already negative situation with more negative energy. Get both sides of the story and have the siblings themselves try and resolve the issue rather than you as a parent trying to resolve each and every issue. Siblings will learn how to resolve issues independently and will only come to a parent if they are really stuck.
How does The British International School Abu Dhabi deal with sibling rivalry?
We provide presentations for parents, which informs parents about strategies they can use, in order to identify what is typical behaviour. We counsel students too; a lot of times if it is not from the parent themselves, it is students who come in and ask for help. If it’s serious, we’ll involve the parents who may have a different perspective on the situation and it’s important that we need to see the full picture.
Could there be any positive benefits to sibling rivalry?
Absolutely! Every time siblings have a challenge, this should be taken as a learning opportunity. Children learn conflict resolution skills; they also learn self-management and how to regulate their behaviour and emotions. If this is fostered in a healthy way at home, what happens is that children take those skills and apply them at home and at school.
To find out more about BIS Abu Dhabi, visit bisabudhabi.com
